confessions.

A month has passed since semester ended. I think it's time to sit down and figure out what I've learnt over the semester and, no, I'm not talking Tort Law.

I spent this semester being pretty darned scared. Scared about what people thought of me. Scared whether what I thought of people was right or not. Scared of being judged for everything I did, or didn't do. Just, simply, scared.

And the weird bit is, I don't know why. After NPS, I thought I was pretty comfortable around people. Was pretty decent at getting to know and befriending people. I thought I was a generally sunny soul. Some cloudy weather is inevitable, as heat causes evaporation, but sunny in general. Certainly not all clouds with no silver lining in sight.

On introspection, I find that I've been rather scared of being myself. Maybe because the initial situation seemed to suggest that being my tongue in cheek self would be suicidal. Perhaps because being myself involves trusting completely, and I wasn't sure whom to trust. Or, sometimes I'm led to believe, it's 'cause I thought I just wasn't good enough. As though all that I really liked about myself is of no consequence in law school, and what is of any importance isn't my cup of tea. I haven't read enough, haven't watched enough movies/shows to make for fun conversation, am not spontaneous or quick enough, am simply not smart enough.
And at some level, I actually believed that.

Law school has left me bewildered on some grounds. Lots of questions and no answers. It has made me afraid to not conform, but desire to be myself. And those are irreconcilable options. Or are they?

I'm afraid, now, to make overtures of friendship. I'm uncertain when in conversation with a senior. Heck! I'm simply uncertain. About every darned thing I do. And that's not how things used to be. There was a time when I'd decide to do something and go ahead with a single minded focus to do it. Then again, those things I decided to do would probably not serve me in the future. How is some video made against the will of every authority in school expected to compare to decisions that are supposed to shape my life? Do they shape my life?

Just the other day, someone told me that I was living my life in bokeh because I was studying law and aiming to be a journalist. Perhaps it was in jest, but it hit hard. Is my focus all wrong? I've always wanted one thing out of my life and have withstood all that was fired at it. Why is a random statement, today, unsettling me?

I don't think I can handle another 9 semesters' worth of trying to be something I'm not, or hiding the person that I am. If building walls to protect oneself is this painful, I'd rather trust blindly and be hurt. If my 'hello' is such an abhorrent thing, I shall not say it again. But I'm going to be me; I don't know whom else to be.